


Beds That Have No Answer

by embroiderama



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Drugs, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-19
Updated: 2010-01-19
Packaged: 2017-10-06 11:38:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embroiderama/pseuds/embroiderama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years ago, Jensen got lost, and Jeff found him.  Now, Jared and Jensen are together, but when Jared finds out about Jensen's past it looks like everything's going to fall apart. Sex, schmoop and angst ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is set during the filming of Provenance, in late Season 1, shortly before the filming of Dead Man's Blood. The title comes from the Dar Williams song "Mercy of the Fallen."
> 
> Many, many thanks are due to janissa11, elanurel, ysbail and missyjack, among others. elanurel and ysbail both beta'd this, by far the longest story I've ever written, and they helped to make it so much better. Thanks you guys! ♥ Please see the notes post for more detailed thanks.

**Vancouver, 2006**

Jensen woke up in a warm cocoon of limbs. One of Jared's arms curled across his chest, long fingers wrapped around his right forearm; the other arm was behind Jensen's neck, supporting him where he'd slipped off the pillow. Jared lay on his side, knees drawn up against Jensen's thigh, one of his legs draped across Jensen's calves.

Jensen he couldn't imagine a nicer way to wake up: pinned by the warm weight of his lover. The sun hadn't risen yet but they'd have to get going soon for another long day of filming.

Jared's face lay only inches away, tilting off the edge of his own pillow into the dip next to Jensen's. The faint green glow of the alarm clock's display and the traces of Vancouver streetlights that shone in around the edges of the thick hotel room drapes painted the plains and hollows of Jared's face in contrasting patches of light and dark, making the familiar features look both alien and more beautiful than ever.

Jensen would've been content to stay there in bed, watching Jared sleep until true morning, but they didn't have that kind of time. Shifting position a little, Jensen made just enough space to free his right arm and snaked it up over Jared's shoulder to rest on his back. Even in sleep, the muscles were firm, defined, and Jensen let his fingers play among the dips and rises of Jared's smooth skin.

Jared slept on, his body shifting a little closer, his breath slow and steady. Jensen splayed his hand open on the flat of Jared's back and felt the expansion of his rib cage, calm, constant, restful.

Jensen considered letting that rhythm draw him back down into sleep for the last half hour before the alarm went off. He'd dreamed about Jared surrounding him even more than he was in reality, his cock hard, pushing against the covers that were pinned down by Jared's arm, desire for more aching like real hunger in the back of his throat. Jensen sighed quietly and let his hand slide down, lightly smoothing over the globes of Jared's ass. When he tentatively traced the line of sensitive skin between the cheeks, Jared's breath caught.

Still, he didn't wake up.

"Jared," Jensen whispered, and he blew a thin stream of air at Jared's face, watching for Jared's cat eyes to blink open.

Jared's nose and upper lip wrinkled up, his eyelids fluttered and then shut tight. Jensen took a breath and blew harder this time, right at Jared's nose; he couldn't hold back a quiet laugh as Jared jerked his whole head back, just like a cat.

"Bastard," Jared mumbled, cracking one eye open to peer at him.

"You awake?" He stifled his grin and tried his best to look innocent.

"Mmmm, not really." Jared yawned, stretching his limbs without pulling them away from Jensen's body, then relaxed again, snuggling closer. His breathing deepened back into the pattern of sleep.

Jensen resumed brushing his fingers against Jared's ass, tracing the curves with his fingertips, but this time Jared didn't stir. Jensen moved his hips against the mattress, trying to get comfortable, but his whole body twitched with need and lying still was becoming torture. But Jared slept so peacefully, so deeply, that it felt cruel to cheat him out of those precious last thirty minutes of sleep. Nonetheless, Jensen had to do something before he snapped, rolled right over and fucked Jared in his sleep.

Moving in tiny increments, he picked up the hand Jared had flung over his stomach and began to extricate himself from the nest of long limbs around him. When he finally stood next to the bed, shivering slightly as the cool air of the room chilled his naked body, Jensen looked back down at Jared, who frowned a little in his sleep and clenched the extra covers in tight around his body. Sighing, Jensen turned around and walked to the bathroom. He could get his shower in early and let Jared sleep a little later.

~~~

Jared woke alone in the bed, his arms wrapped around empty blankets instead of Jensen. He could hear the shower running in the other room and the bed was still warm next to him; Jensen couldn't have been gone long. Jared closed his eyes and thought about catching another half-hour of sleep, but the sound of the shower intruded on his thoughts. The shower running meant Jensen naked and wet, hot water flushing the pale skin of his torso. No amount of sleep could compete with that kind of temptation.

Jared rolled out of bed and stood up. Lacing his fingers together, he reached his hands up, pushing into the stretch until he felt his shoulders loosen. He twisted from side to side, stretching out his spine until it popped satisfyingly. He padded across the carpet, out of the dark bedroom into the dimly-lit main room of Jensen's suite, and then pushed open the bathroom door.

The bright lights dazzled his still-sleepy eyes. Even through the fog of steam, the room's many bulbs cast enough light to shine against the tile and mirrors and glitter off the sleek metal fixtures. Jared blinked, rubbed his eyes, and the room came into focus. Jensen was a vague form through the filter of the shower curtain, but Jared could see him standing under the showerhead, hands up and moving through his hair.

Jared knew he probably should have knocked, should have called out to let Jensen know he was in the room, but he couldn't resist the draw of seeing Jensen in this private moment. Even after nearly a year of working together and months of being a couple, Jensen still kept a part of himself private, locked away, and it drove Jared just a little bit crazy sometimes.

The tile floor felt cool under his feet as he walked over to the far end of the tub from where Jensen stood. The shower curtain wasn't quite closed on that end, so Jared peeked around the edge of it. He gasped in a breath of thick, wet air at the sight: Jensen standing under the flow of water, eyes closed and head thrown back as he scrubbed at his hair. The position pulled the muscles of his chest into high definition. Water beaded up and dripped off the ends of the light brown hair in his armpits and between his legs, and his cock hung soft between his thighs, his feet stepped out as wide as the tub would allow.

A low, appreciative, "Goddamn," slipped out of Jared's mouth before he could stop himself, and Jensen's eyes popped open in a comic startle.

"Shit!" Jensen yanked his hands down out of his hair and glared at Jared. "You scared the crap out of me."

"Sorry about that." Jared couldn't quite keep his mouth from twitching. "Let me come in, and I'll make it all up to you."

"You better," Jensen growled but then he smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling up. "Jackass."

Jared pulled the curtain back farther and stepped inside. Jensen walked back until the stream of water cascaded over his head and then farther back until he was leaning back on the wall, the faucet between his knees. Now, the water hit Jared, and the warmth felt great on his shoulders and chest, his stomach.

Jared reached out his hands to Jensen's sides, skin sliding smoothly over skin with the help of the water. Tiny droplets of water bounced off his skin and the walls of the shower and landed on his balls, teasing the sensitive skin there. Jared had been half-hard since he woke up – between the sensation of the water touching him and the sight of Jensen more naked than ever, half-hard was quickly rising to full. He kept his hands on Jensen's sides, rubbing random patterns into the soft skin there with his thumbs, and stepped closer. Water flowed down onto his head over the back of his body, and he tilted his head forward to press his lips briefly against Jensen's before lowering himself to his knees.

He wrapped his hand around the base of Jensen's cock and then licked his lips before wrapping them around the wide, defined head. Jensen's skin felt so delicate under his lips, and it tasted slightly of the spicy sandalwood soap Jensen preferred. Jared twisted his slick wet hand and felt Jensen lengthen and harden in his grasp.

"Mmmm," he hummed around Jensen's cock and then pulled away, his lips and tongue sliding back off with a wet smacking sound, long enough to grin up at Jensen. "Breakfast."

"Shut up and suck me," Jensen panted, rolling his head against the hard wall of the shower stall.

Jared smiled and wrapped his lips around Jensen's cock again, letting it in deeper this time until his whole mouth was full. He wrapped his hands around Jensen's hips to hold him in place as he started to thrust and set up a rhythm of his own. He bobbed his head up and down, hollowing out his cheeks and letting Jensen's cock slide against the back of his throat. Jensen's breathing quickly turned to rough, desperate panting.

"Oh," he moaned over Jared's head, his hands clutching at Jared's shoulders. "I'm – Jare, I'm gonna – " then he came, flooding the back of Jared's tongue with the warmth and sharp taste of his come. Jared swallowed and tightened his grip on Jensen's shaking hips, holding him upright until he got his balance back.

When Jensen felt steady in his hands, Jared pushed himself to his feet and leaned in to kiss Jensen again. His cock, harder than ever from the sight and sound and taste of Jensen coming apart in front of him, brushed against the firm, wet flesh of Jensen's stomach. Jared wrapped one hand around Jensen's side and braced his other hand on the wall in front of him and pushed forward. Water pounded down his back, and Jensen's shuddery breaths gusted against the side of his face. This simple push and slide was enough, enough, and he came, splattering all over Jensen's previously clean stomach. He slumped forward, leaning heavily against Jensen and holding himself up with his hand on the wall. He let his head drop forward onto Jensen's shoulder and just concentrated on breathing.

What an awesome start to the day.

~~~

Filming the scenes with Sam kissing Sarah good-bye was pretty simple from Jensen's point of view. Not much by way of lines or blocking, mostly just waiting around for Jared and Taylor to quit giggling at each other and get the job done, much as his character was waiting for Sam. Made motivation pretty easy, except –

Well, Dean probably wouldn't be fighting down an erection, watching Sam paw all over Sarah's hair. Christ, Jensen hoped not. Not even Eric or Sera would go that wild on network television. Between takes, Jensen leaned against the Impala, breathing in the cool, early Spring air and enjoying the relatively sunny day. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warm light on his eyelids.

"Hey." Jared's voice next to him startled Jensen out of his reverie. "We've got twenty while they set up the next shot."

"Oh, excellent." Jensen pushed himself away from the car. "You wanna hit the craft tent?"

Jared looked sideways at Jensen and flashed him a dangerous smile. "I had something else in mind." Jared tilted his head toward his trailer.

They walked across the lot toward Jared's trailer, their steps in synch, boots hitting the asphalt effortlessly in time. Jensen felt, for the hundredth time in the past few months, that this was the best thing – the most right thing he'd ever done in his life.

He knew he'd screwed up a lot of good things over the years. He knew some people, a lot of people maybe, would say this – a relationship with his male costar – was the worst mistake ever, the farthest step away from rightness. Jensen might think it was true, but not the way this felt, fitting together perfectly, friends and then lovers. They'd only been together, truly together, for a few months, but it felt like a long term thing already in a way that none of his earlier relationships ever had.

Jensen jogged up the stairs to Jared's trailer, just a step behind Jared. As soon as the door swung shut behind him, Jared's hands were on his face, Jared's long fingers brushing through his hair.

"Man, I've wanted it to be you all morning."

"Mmmm," Jensen hummed, reaching his hands underneath the layers of Sam's shirts to feel Jared's warm skin underneath. "If I was a girl, I'da been clawing her eyes out."

"No need," Jared breathed out, then tilted his head down and brushed his lips against Jensen's. Jensen pressed into the welcome touch, opening his mouth to let Jared in closer. Their teeth clicked against each other, and then their tongues met, sliding soft over soft. Jared's mouth tasted sweet and bitter at the same time – gummy bears and coffee, and God, was it any wonder he was so often hyper?

Jensen pulled back to get a quick breath and then moved forward again, nipping at Jared's lower lip with his front teeth, sucking on the soft skin there until it was as wet and slick as his own tongue. He felt Jared's hand behind his head, fingers combing through his hair, and he released Jared's lip to fit their mouths tightly together again.

Jared's mouth felt so wide, so hungry, that Jensen's head spun and he thought he might be consumed. Truth be told, he didn't think he'd mind.

A series of quick knocks on the trailer's aluminum door startled them both, hands jerking away back toward their own bodies. "Five minutes!"

"Shit," Jensen whispered. He reached out to Jared's waist and smoothed the shirts he'd pushed up back into place before leaning forward and pressing a closed-mouth kiss to Jared's lips. He rested there for a moment, breathing in Jared's clean scent and feeling Jared's breath on his cheek. "Finish this tonight," he murmured into Jared's ear.

Jared shook his head slightly, pulling away. "I'm sorry, man. Chad's in town tonight, doing some kind of a guest spot, I guess. I owe him a few drinks."

"Mayhem," Jensen grumbled under his breath, loud enough that he knew Jared heard. "Tell him I asked if his next ex-wife is in the Drama Club or the Cheer Squad."

Jared grinned widely, laughing as he opened the door. "I'll let him know you care enough to send the very best."

~~~

A heavy pounding on the door to his suite woke Jensen out of the daze he'd fallen into, and he struggled up out of the overstuffed armchair that had become his second favorite place to unwind after a long day on set. His favorite resting spot was anywhere that included Jared's warm arms but Jared's plans with Chad had left him on his own. Jensen walked to the door, muttering, "Your girlfriend's room is next door, asshole," under his breath, but he opened the door to find Jared, scowling and shifting impatiently on his feet in the hallway.

"Hey, man, I didn't expect – "

"I gotta talk to you." Jared cut him off. "Now."

"Yeah, okay." Jensen frowned at the uncharacteristic attitude from his usually sunny and polite friend but stood back as Jared shouldered through the door. Jensen closed and locked the door behind him and then turned to face Jared, who stood in the middle of the room with his hands fisted in his jacket pockets and his jaw set in a pissed-off expression that looked more like Sam than anything else. "What's goin' on?"

"What's going on? What's going on?" Jared pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran them over his face as he forced a dry, mirthless laugh out of his throat before spreading his arms out at his sides. "What's goin' on is that I don't like being fuckin' lied to, okay, Jensen?"

Jensen swallowed the taste of panic at the back of his throat. "Whoa, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yeah, sure." Jared smiled, but he didn't look happy at all. "Chad told me all about it so you can stop with the acting." He sneered the final word.

"What is that douche saying about me?"

Jared was suddenly right in Jensen's face. "Don't you say one word about him! At least he's my friend. He tells me the truth, unlike you."

Jensen took a step back to get some space. Shock and anger warred in his brain, and he really wished he had some clue what Jared was talking about. "Jay, seriously," he responded quietly, trying to bring Jared's anger down a notch. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Jeff." Jared bit the word out, and Jensen stumbled back until he could slump down in a chair, his gut aching at the thought of what Chad must have told Jared. "Yeah. It all made sense, soon as Chad said it. 'Cause you were acting kind of weird with him before we started shooting, but it wasn't like with somebody you just met. I just didn't make the connection because I never thought you would lie to me like that, Jen."

Jared's voice sounded thicker now, more sad than angry, and Jensen couldn't stand to hear it. "It's not – " Jensen shook his head and looked up at Jared looming over him. "What did he say?"

"That he saw you at a party a few years ago, practically riding Jeff on a couch. That the two of you left the party together and you were hanging on him like a cheap whore. That a friend of his saw the two of you eating breakfast together the next day. Man, you know there are no secrets in L.A. You gonna tell me it's not true? That you didn't fuck him?"

Jensen's throat felt tight, his eyes hot, but he had to answer. "No."

Jared's jaw worked in his tight face, and he turned around, took a few stiff strides away before turning back. "Then you're a fucking liar, Jensen, and I never thought you would do that to me. Not you."

Jensen jumped up from the chair. "I didn't lie to you, Jare. Never. I swear to God."

"Liar! You told me you never slept with a guy before me!"

"No, I didn't. I never said that."

Jared was quiet for a moment and then looked straight at Jensen, his eyes still hard and angry. "Well, you sure as hell let me believe it and that's the same thing in my book. I thought – I thought we had something here, but what? Were you fucking him while he was up here doing the scenes for 'Shadow?'"

"No!"

"Hell, who else has there been? How many of those guys from Smallville did you turn over for? Shit!"

"None! There's been nobody else." Jensen stalked toward Jared, fed up now with the accusations. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

"Well, it's not like you're telling me anything here. What am I supposed to think?"

"I'll tell you, okay." Jensen reached out to touch Jared's arm but let his hand fall back to his side when Jared jerked away. "Do you think you can sit down and stop calling me a whore long enough to listen?"

Jared closed his mouth and looked almost apologetic for a moment before his expression hardened again, but he nodded and took a seat in the nearest chair. "Okay."

Jensen walked over to the other chair and sat, twisting his fingers together as he tried to calm the nervous pounding of his heart. "It was five years ago. I had left _Days_ a year or so before, and, well, jobs weren't exactly rolling in. The last thing I had done was the one episode of _Dark Angel_ and I didn't know they were going to ask me back."

"So…" Jared prompted, apparently impatient with the pace of the story.

"So, my manager was on my ass to get out there, get attention, get to know the right people. He wanted me to go to all those big parties and you know how crappy I am at that."

"You do okay."

"Now, maybe. Then? I couldn't handle it, kept to myself. Made the whole thing kind of pointless. Manager was pissed. I was broke. Eventually, I figured out that it was a lot easier to get along at those parties if I was fucked up."

Jared shrugged. "What, drunk?"

"Not exactly."

~~~

**L.A., 2001**

Jensen stood with his back against the wall, watching the party go on around him. The beat of the music pounded through the floor into his feet and through the wall into his fingertips where they braced against it behind his back. This had been a quiet corner when he'd arrived at the party, so he'd retreated here – clutching his drink and hoping not to be noticed by anyone who would recognize him from _Days_, somebody who might ask him how his career was going since he'd left the daytime soap world.

According to his manager, Jensen's career was in the toilet and unless he got seen by the right people, he was just about to be flushed. Under ordinary circumstances, Jensen would rather stick his head in a toilet than go to one of these Hollywood parties, full of people who expected him to shine and sparkle and dance and kiss ass, but Eddie had made it clear that until Jensen got another solid role the parties were compulsory.

The growing crowd surged into Jensen's once-empty retreat, and he didn't know which prospect was worse – pushing through the crowd of sharp-edged strangers or allowing them to edge him further into the corner, hoping to maintain a small barrier of space around himself. He already felt like there wasn't quite enough oxygen in the air, wasn't quite enough space to think and keep himself steady. He pulled in a sharp breath through his nose, and his throat tickled at the stench of perfume that suddenly invaded his sinuses.

"Why, hello." A woman from the group pushing into his space had turned and stepped closer to him.

"Good evening." Jensen forced himself to smile.

"Justin, isn't it?" He felt her eyes travel over his body and cringed; she had to be his mother's age. "I've never seen you at any of these soirees before."

"Jensen."

"Hmmm?" She purred the question at him. Her chest, bared as it was by her low-cut dress, looked strange and leathery, and Jensen shuddered. _Mental note: avoid over-tanning._

"My name is Jensen, ma'am. And I haven't been to very many of these parties before."

"Oh, indeed" She sounded delighted. "You're very nearly a virgin, then!"

Jensen swallowed his discomfort with the topic but she just continued.

"I noticed your many, ah, talents when you were on that soap opera. Not my usual choice of entertainment, of course, but my housekeeper likes to watch it while she dusts, can you believe it?"

Jensen's throat felt tight, choking on her perfume and the panic of not knowing how he was going to get out of this corner. "Well, uh, yes ma'am."

She shifted on her heels, tilting her head to stare at Jensen like a cat who's just noticed a spider crawling up the wall. "You don't have a lot to say do you, Justin?"

She reached out a hand toward his face and trailed one long nail along the line of his jaw. Jensen couldn't swallow at all. He tasted panic in the back of his throat and his head swam as his lungs refused to work.

"I – I'm sorry," he choked out. He pushed past her then through the crowd of people around her. He stuttered out abbreviated apologies as he pivoted and veered around clumps of party-goers until he finally reached the door and stumbled out into the cool evening air.

Finally, even amid the pollution from so many cars, he could breathe.

~~~

Jensen jolted awake to the annoying whine of his cell phone next to his bed. _Who the hell?_ His family always called on the landline and he couldn't think of anybody who'd want anything out of him this early in the morning.

Jensen squinted at the phone display – Eddie. _Great._ Well, at least he could tell his manager he'd gone to the stupid party. "Hello?"

"You stupid asshole." That was a friendly sentiment for first thing in the morning.

"What?" Jensen snapped. "Seriously, man, what are you calling about so freakin' early?"

"I set you up with that party so you could get some good exposure. You know, maybe get a job, the kind of thing that pays you and me both?"

"Yeah, and I went. You get any calls yet?"

"Did I get any calls?" Eddie's mocking tone made Jensen want to jab a pencil through his eardrums. "Yeah, I got two calls. One from your host letting me know you pulled a disappearing act before he could even introduce you to anyone, and another from a casting director letting me know she isn't interested in casting frigid little bitches."

"Wha – " Jensen cringed at the squawk that came out of his throat.

"Her words, babe, not mine. You wanna explain yourself?"

Jensen rubbed a hand over his face, scrubbing his skin warm against the cold memory of his fear in that crowd at the party. "I'm just no good at parties."

"What, pretty boy like you? You shouldn't have no trouble – people all over you. You don't even need to be outgoing."

Jensen shuddered at the mental image. "I don't like people all over me, okay? I just don't like parties. Isn't there some other way?"

"Not in this town, kid. Sorry. You wanna go back to Dallas and star in the church play every Christmas, feel free. Save me a lot of trouble."

_No._

He would not crawl home like that. Not over being too much of a pussy to talk to people at a party. "What do I do? Tell me what to do, Eddie, please. Help me."

~~~

Eddie rolled up in front of Jensen's building and blew the horn, even though he must have seen Jensen waiting outside. _Asshole._ But Jensen walked up to the huge black SUV and got inside.

The interior was dark, barely-legal window tinting muting the lights from outside, but unfortunately Jensen could still see his manager. Eddie was all flash, a surface of the right clothes and the right shoes – almost enough to keep you from noticing that he had a face like Danny Devito's thinner but less attractive brother. The charm that had convinced Jensen to sign a contract with the man had evaporated the moment Jensen needed Eddie more than Eddie needed Jensen.

"You ready to be a star tonight?"

Jensen looked down at himself and brushed his hands over his clothes, wondering why Eddie didn't pull out into traffic already. "Yeah, uh, I guess. You said you had something that could help me?"

"Yeah, one simple step to making friends and having fun at parties." Eddie reached a well-manicured hand into his shirt pocket and extracted a very small clasp envelope which contained a tiny glass vial and a tiny spoon that looked like something out of one of his sister's doll houses. He unscrewed the lid of the vial and used the spoon to scoop out a tiny portion of white powder.

_What?_ "Coke?" Jensen had seen it around sometimes, on the set of _Days_ and at some of the parties he'd endured, but he'd never tried it, never even had it offered.

"Got it in one."

"Seriously? Eddie, I – "

"Jesus Christ, you really are from the suburbs, aren't you, kid?" Eddie's sneer was clear even in the dim light. "I'm not telling you to go be a crack whore; it's just a little high." He gestured with the vial.

"I just really don't want to mess around with – "

"What do you think this is, Disneyland? You think you're auditioning for the role of Prince Charming in the motherfucking Disney Playhouse? You could stand to get a little edge on you." Eddie snorted. "You asked for help; this is help. Take it or get the fuck out of my vehicle."

Jensen bit down on the inside of his lip and looked at the coke. He only had to get through enough of these parties to get a good role. It was going to happen any day; he believed that, had to believe that. And he had to believe he'd be forgiven for this. "Give it."

Jensen reached out and gingerly brought the tiny spoon up to his nose. Closing his eyes and ignoring the shouted warnings in his mind, he inhaled. His eyes watered as his nose and sinuses stung from the powder but then everything inside went numb. It felt fine. He wiped his nose with the back of his hand and passed the spoon back to Eddie. "Let's go."

By the time Eddie got him to the party, ten or fifteen minutes later, Jensen wanted out of the car. Bad. He could feel his heart racing, his blood rushing through his body, his legs aching to move. As soon as the car came to a stop, Jensen popped open the door and hopped to the ground.

"You feelin' good?" Eddie smirked.

"Yeah." Jensen nodded, feeling himself smile. "Yeah, totally."

"Good. Don't fuck up." Eddie shifted the SUV into reverse, and Jensen closed the door, stepping away as Eddie pulled past him out of the driveway.

The impressive house in front of Jensen was alive with lights and music, the party already in full swing. Jensen stepped inside, looked at all of the people there – beautiful, powerful, terrible – and felt…great. Fantastic, actually. He could do this. Jensen rolled forward onto the balls of his feet and bounced in place, his fingers tapping out a quick rhythm against his thighs. He could totally, totally fucking do this thing.

A couple of drinks made him feel even better, and without trying Jensen found himself in the middle of a group of people, talking, laughing. It was awesome, except that sometimes he felt like he was talking too fast, laughing too much. He wasn't the only one who noticed.

Jensen was leaning against the wall for a moment – trying to take a deep breath, calm down his racing heart, still the twitching fingers that had almost made him spill his drink a couple times – when one of the women he'd been laughing with came up to stand next to him. _God, thank you for making such beautiful breasts._

"Hey," she said, smiling. Wavy brown hair curled down to her bare shoulders, framing her pretty, fine-boned face.

"Hey." Jensen nodded with a tight jerk of his head. "Kristy, right?"

"That's me. You know, you seem really wired."

"Yeah, I guess. Just trying to have fun, you know?"

"You should chill out, have even more fun, huh?" She fished around in her little purse and pulled out a bright red pill with a heart stamped on it. She held it in front of Jensen's mouth, gripping it with her long, shiny fingernails. "My gift to you."

_What the hell._ The buzz from the coke was starting to wear off, the press of the party threatening to transform from exhilarating to oppressive like Cinderella's horses turning back into mice. He opened his mouth and Kristy set the tablet inside. A mouthful of champagne washed it down.

The next hour passed slowly – either the pill, whatever it was, didn't work or took a lot longer to kick in than the coke had. The confidence that the coke had given him was gone, but he'd had enough to drink that he could function, the edges of himself blurred enough to keep the party feeling like more of an annoyance and less of an attack.

Kristy stayed nearby, talking to him about her career – modeling, dancing – and when Jensen had heard enough he leaned down and kissed her. Her lips tasted like candy and liquor and, when he held onto her shoulders, the bare skin under his palms felt like heaven.

He'd never felt skin like hers. Soft and silky but with tiny little bumps and irregularities that he couldn't see, but his fingers – his fingers could feel all of it, and it was fantastic. He wondered if the skin on her chest would feel the same way, stretched and rounded, delicate over her tits. She kissed him back, shoving her tongue into his mouth, slick over slick, and he wondered if her nipples would taste anything like her tongue.

Kristy pulled away, breathing quickly. "Oh, baby, you're feeling good, aren't you?"

"Yeah." Jensen took a deep breath, feeling energy sparkling under his skin, and smiled. "Yeah, I love this party!"

Kristy pulled him out toward a crowd of dancing people, and Jensen thought for a moment that it would be horrible – surrounded by all those moving people – but it felt good. Dancing felt good, moving, moving in a great wave, so many bodies. The music – he normally thought this kind of music was crap, but now it felt just right, pulsating along with his heart, along with all of the people on the dance floor. Magic. How had he never known that parties could be magic?

Finally, eventually, the magic feeling of dancing gave way to feeling hot. Too hot, sweated-through shirt sticking to him, wet bangs dragging in his eyes, and he grabbed Kristy's arm, shouted so she could hear him over the pounding music. "I gotta cool down. I'm so hot!"

She nodded and mouthed, "Come on," then took off through the crowd. Jensen trailed after her, feeling the air around him grow cooler as soon as they moved away from the press of dancing bodies. "Come on, let's sit down."

They had stumbled into a sleek, modern room with long sofas wrapping around the walls. People sprawled on the couches, mostly in twos and threes, making out, touching, everything sensual and hot in this cool room. Kristy threw herself down on an open stretch of upholstery and Jensen let himself drop down next to her. He panted to catch his breath, the cool air of this room filling his lungs and wicking sweat away from his skin.

Exhausted, Jensen let his head fall onto Kristy's shoulder, then turned his face in toward her neck. From this vantage point, he could see straight down her dress. He kissed her neck, licking at the salty sweat there, and she moaned. He felt her hand on the back of his head, petting at his damp hair, and he took that as permission to continue. He kissed his way down the side of her throat and over her collar bone, then he dipped his tongue down to lick at the dark, warm place between her breasts. It tasted like salt and perfume and a little like booze and Jensen closed his eyes, savoring it.

When he opened his eyes, he realized they were being watched. He was being watched. Over Kristy's shoulder, Jensen could see a man – middle-aged but handsome, well-built, a touch of gray in his jet black hair – staring at him. Jensen pulled his eyes away from the man's heated gaze and looked up at Kristy. Her head was thrown back, resting against the back of the sofa, and she smiled when Jensen cupped his hand around one of her breasts and pushed it up out of her dress. He ran his thumb over the nipple and she moaned again, her breath coming in shuddery gasps.

Jensen leaned in, licked from the nubbly skin of her areole to the delicately smooth skin beyond, and then looked up and saw the man still watching. The man locked eyes with Jensen and stroked himself, his hand moving over the crotch of his pants, and Jensen slammed his eyes shut when he felt himself go hard, too.

_From Kristy, from Kristy_, he told himself, but then he opened his eyes again to see the man's wide shoulders shifting as he breathed heavily, and Jensen's cock hardened further, pressing up against the seam of his pants until he thought he would cry or come. He gasped and pulled away from Kristy. "I gotta go."

"But, what?" Kristy pouted, tucking herself back into her dress.

"I'm sorry." Jensen stood up and backed away. "I'm sorry, I have to."

And he stumbled out of the room, back through the crowds of people, and outside. A cab, thank God, and then he was on his way home, staring at nothing, feeling the walls of the world falling back into place around him as the magic wore off.

Back at his apartment, he lay down on the couch – one step up from the floor, which looked just about as comfortable – and fell deeply into the clutches of sleep.

~~~

He woke up to sunlight burning in through the crappy blinds in his living room and instantly wished he were dead. Dead, in a coma, a vegetable, anything, really, that would keep him from having to feel. His head ached fiercely, a sick pounding that he could feel in his eyes and cheeks and teeth, and his mouth and throat felt as though they had never contained any moisture, ever, in his entire life.

He pushed himself up, holding onto the floor lamp next to his couch until the terrible pulsing in his head muted to a barely tolerable level and the room stopped swimming, then shuffled to the kitchen. He opened the cabinet next to his sink and pulled out a glass, but his hand shook, and the glass fell – hitting the floor like a bomb going off, glass shattering in all directions.

"Fuck," Jensen swore, suddenly glad he'd fallen asleep with his shoes on. He reached into the cabinet again, this time choosing a plastic tumbler, and fumbled with the faucet until he had a cup of cool water. The liquid soothed his mouth and throat and the pounding in his head went down a notch. He emptied the cup and filled it again but this time the water felt heavy as it hit his stomach. His gut twisted up against the invasion, and he gagged. _Shit._ He raced out of the kitchen, ignoring the crunch of glass under his feet, and crashed into the bathroom. He bent at the waist and heaved water and bile and the remnants of whatever he'd drank the night before out into the toilet bowl.

He fell to his knees, curling toward the toilet against the pain in his stomach and the increased pounding in his head. His breathing sounded loud, echoing in the small tiled room, quick gasping inhales followed by ragged exhales that sounded so much like sobs that Jensen was insanely grateful to be alone.

His stomach continued to cramp, and he leaned forward to heave again – nothing but bile – but the taste hung at the back of his throat, and he gagged again. Tears burned through his sinuses, reminding him of how last night had started, of where everything had started to go wrong – or right. He wasn't quite sure, couldn't quite decide. After all, he usually hated parties, but this one had been fun, had been amazing, had been perfect until he – Jensen cut off his train of thought. He'd been out of it, messed up, that's all.

Still, oh, God, as wonderful as everything had felt the night before, they were equally horrible in the morning. Jensen swallowed against the tide of dry heaves and flushed the toilet, cringing at the tiny droplets of water that flew up in his face. He lay down on the floor, his bath mat a comfort against his face, and the shuddering, sobbing breaths that shook him hurt his stomach and his head, but he just couldn't help it.

~~~

Jensen had dragged himself back out into the kitchen when the phone in his pocket rang. He was still ignoring the broken glass, sitting at his small round kitchen table and slowly sipping a glass of orange juice. Jensen pulled the phone out and stared at it blankly. _Eddie._ The morning was already so bad that it couldn't get worse, so Jensen sighed and answered. "Yeah?"

"Jenny boy!" Eddie crowed in his ear.

Jensen cringed at the volume and the nickname both. "What's up?"

"Let me tell you, I did not have high hopes, but you did me proud last night. Got three calls already, said you were gorgeous, friendly, chatty. Maybe a little wild toward the end of the night, but nobody minds a little touch of the bad boy, huh?"

"Um, great." The most fucked up night of his life and Eddie considered it a resounding success. _This town makes no sense._

"You keep this up, casting'll be beating down our door. I'll call you in a few days about what party you're going to next weekend, and you better not fuck that one up either, understand?"

"Uh, yeah." Jensen looked at the light reflecting off of his juice and closed his eyes.

"So, yeah, great job, kid. Talk to you later." Eddie hung up, and Jensen closed his phone and set it down on the table.

Later on, after Jensen finally managed to take a shower and get dressed in his favorite soft sweatpants and t-shirt, he knelt on the kitchen floor, searching for more stray shards of glass and thinking about what he should do next time. The coke had been a bad idea, he decided. That was bad shit, out of some 80's movie or something. He didn't need that. The pills weren't so bad, though. Anything like that had to be better than snorting something – one step up from shooting it in his veins. His mother would never forgive him if she knew that he'd done hard drugs. She'd pray for God to forgive him but she'd never forgive him herself.

But the tablets, yeah. Maybe he'd take two next time to make up the difference.

~~~

Walking into the next party, feeling sober and all-too-conscious of the space between himself and other people, Jensen plastered a smile on his face and forced himself to remember how it had felt good the week before – how the press of bodies moving around him had felt like a gift rather than an affront, how talking to strangers had been easy. He made his way directly to the bar, drank down one rum and coke and ordered a second, desperate for something to take the edge off until the pills kicked in.

He'd been embarrassed to realize that he didn't even know what Kristy had given him, but after peering at pictures on his computer for a while he figured it out – ecstasy. Whatever, it didn't sound that bad, and Jensen didn't exactly plan on making a habit of it. Just enough parties to keep Eddie happy, just until he landed a role that would keep him employed for a while.

He made a call to an old co-star and got connected with somebody who would sell him some more pills. A drug dealer. Thinking about having a drug dealer felt really screwed up, so Jensen tried not to think about it too much. He'd taken two of the ecstasy tablets just before leaving his apartment; based on the last time, it would take a while for them to really kick in. He had a spare in his pocket just in case they started to wear off before he could go home. No snorting anything this time and he'd remember to drink some water. Everything would be fine.

Jensen sipped at his drink and walked around the room, looking for familiar faces. A man across the room caught his eye – thick hair, wide shoulders – and the guy he'd seen – the man who had watched _him_ – flooded his thoughts. This wasn't the same guy; this guy was younger, with warm, sleepy brown eyes that – it didn't matter. Not the same guy; that was all that mattered.

Jensen stood a little ways away from the crowd and listened to the party grow in strength around him until he started to feel like a part of things – moving among the strangers, talking and laughing and letting their hands touch him. He danced for a while, losing track of where his body ended and where the rest of the world began, until he started to feel too hot again. In search of someplace cool and still, he wandered out into a sea of lights.

The party swirled around Jensen and he leaned against the wall to get his balance while he stared out at the crowd. The party was so pretty, everything so shiny, lights glinting off drinking glasses and sparkly dresses and furniture. Colors and movement and the push and slide of strangers around him, and everything was awesome. Strangely enough, everything felt good. He wasn't sure why he thought it was strange.

Everything was good except his hands; they needed to be touching somebody. And his legs were kind of tired of holding him up but he thought they'd feel good wrapped around somebody's hips. _The couch._ The man he'd seen earlier sat alone on the couch, holding a drink in one wide hand – his dark eyes looking out at the party like he didn't think it was anywhere near as sparkly as it was.

Jensen walked across the room, feeling the thick air and press of bodies parting around him like the whole place was one huge Jell-O shot, and wasn't that a hell of a thought? He stood in front of the man, who looked up and put his drink down. It was enough of an invitation for Jensen. He felt himself flow onto the man's lap, his knees sliding across the smooth leather of the couch, his hands happy to feel the warmth of cloth with skin underneath. He bent his head down and licked the man's cheek, salt sweat bursting on his taste buds, his tongue lit up alive from the rasp of stubble, and when the man pushed him away he thought he would die.

He tried to walk away but the Jell-O had gone thicker around him. It was still pretty, but it had been in the fridge too long. Too long. And then it was dark and cold outside.

He didn't really care anymore.

~~~

**Vancouver, 2006**

"Son of a bitch," Jared ground out. He sounded just as pissed now as he had when he'd walked in the room.

"Look, I know it was stupid, but – "

"Not you. Jeff. That fucker! He took advantage of you?"

"No, no," Jensen insisted, trying to derail Jared's train of thought, but Jared was beyond listening.

"'Cause I'm sorry, that that's just not right. I never thought he was somebody who would – son of a bitch!"

"Shut up!" Jensen yelled, finally getting Jared's attention. "You haven't heard the rest of the story, man. Would you just listen?"

Jared took a deep breath and nodded. "I just can't stand to think of you being so…so vulnerable, and somebody hurting you that way. I can't stand it."

"I was lucky," Jensen whispered. "He's not that kind of guy."

~~~

**L.A., 2001**

Jensen woke up to the sound of a dog barking, and his first thought was that his neighbor's terrier sounded like it had fucking grown or something. His second thought was that there were no walls between him and the sound of those low woofs, and where the fuck was he, oh Jesus Christ. Daylight seeped through his eyelids but his eyelashes didn't quite want to get unstuck from each other; his arms were busy trying to push himself up. He knew he was on a couch and he thought he remembered something about a couch from last night – but that was the slide of expensive leather, and this felt like well-worn corduroy, and what the fuck, oh God.

Finally, his eyes popped open, letting in a brief flash of the room around him before he squeezed them shut against the painful light. Jensen groaned as he arranged himself into a seated position. He rested his head in his hands, elbows propped on knees, and slowly opened his eyes again – only to find himself faced with the muzzle of a large brown dog, who was sniffing at him delicately, wide nostrils flaring with each breath

"Hello," Jensen mumbled.

"Hello to you," a deep, amused voice responded.

Jensen jerked upright at the sound. He focused his bleary eyes and saw a man standing in the doorway across from him. Tall. Solid. Leaning against the doorjamb in dark gray sweats and a Seahawks t-shirt, bare feet splayed on the hardwood floor. He looked vaguely familiar, and something flitted through Jensen's brain, something about Jell-O, but nothing that made any sense. What the hell had he done at the party last night?

Whatever had happened, he had somehow ended up sleeping on this dude's couch, and he sure as hell hoped he was still in L.A. "I'm sorry," Jensen started, rubbing his hands on the ribbed fabric of the couch. "I don't – " He didn't know what to say. His mama never taught him the proper etiquette for waking up in a stranger's house.

"I'm guessing you have a few questions." The man walked closer and sat down on the wide ottoman next to the couch. "Who are you? Where am I? What the hell happened? Please tell you it didn't involve the dog?"

Jensen nodded, cringing at the last. "Uh, yeah. Something like that."

The guy smiled and the gentle warmth in his eyes made the tight knot in Jensen's gut relax a little. "Well, I'm Jeff – Jeff Morgan – and this is my house. You were in pretty bad shape at that party last night, so I brought you back here. You spent the night alone on the couch, and Bisou's a perfect lady." He nodded down at the dog where she lounged on the floor, her head on Jeff's feet.

Shame – that he'd let himself be taken home by this stranger, that he'd been in that condition – overwhelmed him. "I, uh, thanks." Jensen looked down at the floor, scratching his fingers through his hair; bits of dried-up hair gel drifted down in front of him. _Gotta get up, call a cab. Shit._

"Now I've got some questions of my own." The guy – Jeff – sounded sort of pissed and Jensen hoped he hadn't puked on the guy or something.

"Yeah?"

"Jesus, kid. Are you stupid? Or do you just not give a shit what happens to you?"

Jensen just shook his head, the energy for righteous indignation way beyond him.

"Cause getting that fucked up at a Hollywood party, especially when you don't have a friend there to watch your back, is just plain stupid."

"I know," Jensen answered quietly. "I didn't mean to let it go that far. And, you know, thanks. I totally don't remember what happened. Everything got kind of crazy, and then there was something about a couch – after that I got nothing." Jensen wiped a hand over his face and then paused before holding it out to Jeff. "By the way, I'm Jensen. Ackles. Sorry."

Jeff's mouth curved into a half-smile. "I knew that, actually. Made a couple calls while I was dragging your scrawny ass out of there, found out who you were."

"Oh." Jensen could only imagine the conversation. _Oh, the fucked up pretty boy with the green tie? That's Jensen Ackles. Fabulous._

"And I can fill you in on some of what you missed. The couch was where I was sitting, avoiding the pain in the ass party you were apparently enjoying so much. Then you came over and climbed up on my lap."

Jensen's stomach lurched and he swallowed thickly. "Shit, I'm sorry."

Jeff chuckled, the sound warm and comfortable. "I was enjoying it, thought maybe something good would come out of the party after all, until I noticed that the lights were on but nobody was home." Jeff shook his head. "I'm not into that."

"A lot of people would've been," Jensen whispered, the words hurting his throat.

"Yeah. Which gets us back to the question of how stupid you are."

"Pretty fucking stupid. Yeah, I get it. But my manager wants me out at those parties, getting exposure – the whole deal – and I just can't handle them."

"What do you mean?" Jeff's voice sounded gentler now.

"I can't stand it; just – " Jensen waved his hands in the air in front of him. "All the people, wanting to talk to you, touch you, so many conversations, and if you don't mingle and smile and let everybody have their piece you might as well not go."

"Well, yeah, that's kind of the game."

"I just can't. On my own, I can't. Went to a party last month, and my manager called me up the next day, pissed off at me for acting like a frigid little bitch. That's an exact quote."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, and if I don't get a new role soon, I'm going to have to crawl back to daytime television. I won't do that. I swore I wouldn't do that."

"And so, thanks to the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals, you've converted yourself into your generation's Robert Downey Jr.?"

Jensen just shook his head and looked back down at the floor between his feet. He'd fucked up, but he couldn't stand to hear about it anymore. "I've gotta get home. You know the number for a cab?"

"Don't bother, I'll give you a ride home."

"I can't – "

"No more lectures, I promise."

"Um, okay, thanks. That's really – I owe you a lot already."

"Don't worry about it. Just let me go put on some jeans."

"Sure. Hey, mind if I use your bathroom?"

"Nah, it's right down the hall." Jeff gestured to the doorway he'd been standing in when Jensen woke up.

~~~

Jensen considered trying to piss and wash his hands with his eyes closed but in the end he didn't think his balance and coordination were up to the task of pretending to be blind. Looking in the mirror, he winced at the sight of his face – pasty and pale enough to throw his freckles into stark relief, eyes an angry red from the contacts being in too long. _Great._ Time to get home.

When he walked out to the living room where he'd slept, Jeff didn't say much, just headed for the door. Inside Jeff's car, Jensen slumped in his seat – wishing he had sunglasses on him, wishing he could remember being in this vehicle the night before, wishing everything was different. Because the hell of the thing was that Jeff seemed like a really good guy, the kind of guy who could be a real friend. He couldn't imagine that this cool, laid back, apparently together guy would want to waste his time with a fucked up example of Hollywood idiocy like Jensen Ackles.

And it's not like Jensen didn't know how much he owed the man. Getting so messed up at a huge party like that, so messed up he didn't know what was going on, throwing himself at random men – he could have ended up anywhere. He could have ended up at the end of the line and, as much as he hated his life sometimes, that's not what he wanted. So he owed Jeff a hell of a lot and when Jeff pulled up in front of his building Jensen just didn't feel like he could get out of the car and leave it there.

"Hey, do you want to go get breakfast or something? My treat."

"Uh, well – " Jeff looked like he was going to say no and Jensen suddenly couldn't take seeing him drive away.

"Just give me fifteen minutes to get cleaned up. There's a diner about two blocks south. Meet me there?" Jensen pointed down the street in the direction of the diner and gave Jeff his best smile. Even dulled as it was by his hung-over condition, Jensen knew it was a pretty good smile.

~~~

Half an hour later, showered and shaved and changed into jeans and a t-shirt from his rumpled shirt and tie, Jensen walked into his favorite diner feeling far more alert and alive than he had when he'd woken up on Jeff's couch. He saw Jeff sitting in a booth, nursing a cup of coffee, and suddenly a fuzzy memory from the previous night became clear. Jeff had been sitting on a couch at the party and all Jensen had been able to think was that he wanted to touch – how much he wanted to taste – the man in front of him.

Now, sober, he wanted the same thing. Too bad Jeff probably thought he was too pathetic of a specimen to be worth the time.

"Hey," he greeted Jeff as he slid into the booth across from him.

"Hey, you look better." Jeff smiled warmly and the dimples his smile revealed made Jensen's jeans feel too tight.

"I, uh, feel better. Thanks." Jensen picked up his menu and examined it, even though he knew what he was hungry for. "You order yet?"

Jeff motioned the waitress over and once their orders were placed, Jensen felt uncomfortable sitting in silence with a man he barely knew. "So, uh, I guess you know a little about me, but I don't know much of anything about you. What do you do?"

Jeff grinned wryly over his coffee. "I'm an actor, too."

Jensen felt like even more of an ass than he had before. "Sorry, man. I guess I should have known that."

"No reason you would; I'm not exactly Tom Cruise. Most months I make more from my side jobs than I do from acting, anyway."

"Yeah, I get that. Seriously. If my grandma weren't helping me out, I'd be screwed."

"You're lucky."

Jensen looked straight into Jeff's dark eyes. "I know."

Once their food came the conversation died off, replaced by the quiet sounds of chewing and the clinks of silverware on plates. With the food in his belly, Jensen felt just about normal, steadier than he had in days. When they had both finished up with their final cups of coffee, Jensen went up to the register to settle the tab and then came back and leaned on the table next to Jeff.

Jeff, thank God, wasn't acting like Jensen was a pathetic slut for the way he'd acted at the party, and Jensen couldn't help remembering the way Jeff's body had felt under him. Couldn't help remembering that Jeff said he'd been good to go until he'd realized that Jensen was high as a kite. But he wasn't high anymore and Jeff filled out a t-shirt nicely. Very nicely.

"So, um, you busy this afternoon?"

Jeff's smile in response was slow and not so sweet. "Nothing I couldn't put off."

"Good."


	2. BigBang fic: Beds That Have No Answer (RPS) 2/2

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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[beds](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/tag/beds), [j2](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/tag/j2), [jdm/ja](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/tag/jdm/ja), [rps:fic](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/tag/rps:fic)  
  
  
_**BigBang fic: Beds That Have No Answer (RPS) 2/2**_  
**Beds That Have No Answer**  
Part 2

** [Go back to Part 1](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/99630.html) **

  
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They didn't speak much on the short ride back to Jensen's place but Jensen could feel the tension building between them, feel Jeff's gaze sweeping over him between glances at the road, feel the heat where their shoulders and knees nearly touched, the quiver in Jeff's thigh when Jensen accidentally bushed it while fastening his seatbelt. Jeff parked the car and followed Jensen up the stairs to his second floor apartment, stepping into the dim living room behind him.

Jensen turned on the light and tried to see the room through Jeff's eyes. He kept it neat, but it was relatively barren compared to Jeff's well-lived-in house.

"Texas flag?" Jeff nodded at the fabric tacked over a bare stretch of wall.

"Yeah, reminds me of home."

"Home is good," Jeff rumbled, stepping up closer and slipping a gentle hand around the back of Jensen's neck. "Sometimes away is better."

"Yeah." Jensen breathed the word out, barely audible over the pounding of his pulse in his ears. "So – "

With his mouth open, forming the 'o,' Jensen trailed the unfinished word off into a moan as Jeff kissed him. Jensen tasted coffee and maple syrup, cinnamon and cigarettes. As he smelled the clean sweat on Jeff's skin, he remembered how that had tasted the night before and how the flavor had resonated through his over-sensitive nerves. How he'd tasted it with his whole body.

And now he wasn't wasted, was in fact totally awake and caffeinated and fed, and still his whole body came to life at the touch of Jeff's tongue to his, at the full-length warmth he could feel just inches away. Jensen pulled his mouth away from Jeff's just far enough to gasp a quick breath and whisper, "Will you fuck me?"

Jeff's eyes went even more heavy-lidded than before and he pressed his lips onto Jensen's briefly before replying, "I – we don't have to do that."

"Please. Please," Jensen breathed. He had wanted it for so long, so many years, and now that he had the courage to ask for it he couldn't take being turned down. His cock pushed against the seam of his jeans and he tried to slow down his breathing to get himself in control. "I don't wanna have to beg, but I – I will."

"Shhhh." Jeff accompanied the soft sound with a slow swipe of his thumb across Jensen's lips. "Nobody as pretty as you should have to beg." Jeff kept one hand on Jensen's face, moving his free hand down to brush against Jensen's fly. "That the bedroom?" He nodded toward the doorway behind Jensen.

"Yeah." Jensen hoped like hell he hadn't left laundry all over it. "In there."

"Good." Jeff tucked his fingers around the waistband of Jensen's jeans and tugged him into the bedroom. Inside, Jeff grabbed the top of the comforter and yanked it toward the foot of the bed, getting it – and the shirts that were scattered on top – out of the way in an instant. When he turned back, Jensen wondered if he were about to be stripped with similar efficiency. Jeff put his hands on Jensen's hips and pushed the hem of his t-shirt up far enough to expose a narrow strip of bare skin then stopped, just standing there with his hands resting around Jensen's middle for a moment before pushing the shirt up slowly.

Jensen felt Jeff's hands as they moved up his chest – the slightly rough heels of his hands sliding skin against skin, fingers pressing through soft cotton – until he had to pull his arms up, and then his vision was nothing but light filtered through green cotton until the shirt passed over his head.

"Look at you," Jeff breathed out appreciatively, tracing his hands over Jensen's shoulders, his collar bones.

"What?"

"Freckles fuckin' everywhere. Gorgeous."

"I hate them," Jensen mumbled.

"Don't." Jeff leaned down and ran his tongue over the freckles on Jensen's shoulder and he felt a shivering thrill pass through him from head to toe, his cock growing even harder against his jeans.

"Whoa." Maybe he could love his freckles after all.

Jeff unzipped his jeans next, pausing as he pulled the waistband down over the curve of Jensen's ass. "More freckles. God, boy, they never do stop." Jeff's voice sounded deeper now, rougher, and Jensen shivered again at the sound.

Free now from the constriction of his pants, Jensen's cock rose hard and full in front of him. Ready to be horizontal – _now, please, now_ – he kicked his pants and shoes off the rest of the way as he grabbed Jeff by the belt, undoing the clasp and button and shoving down the zipper before Jeff could stop him.

He looked up to see Jeff pulling his shirt over his head and breathed out a quiet, "oh," at the sight. Jeff's broad, well-muscled chest, covered in tanned olive skin, thatch of chest hair trailing down to meet his boxers, made Jensen feel like a skinny kid. The luckiest skinny kid in the world, though, because Jeff was everything he'd been wanting forever.

Jeff was the science teacher who made Jensen pay rapt attention in class when he wasn't hiding a boner under his desk. Jeff was the camera operator who made Jensen really wish he were behind the scenes. Jeff was every fantasy he'd ever had about a man, and he was standing in front of Jensen, pulling down his boxers to reveal a cock that was longer than Jensen's and just as hard.

"You got stuff around here somewhere?"

"Huh?" Jensen asked before his brain could catch up with the question. "Oh, yeah." He stepped around Jeff, feeling their hips brush together, and rifled through the bottom drawer in his bedside table until he came up with a box of condoms and a sticky bottle of lubricant that his ex had left behind.

As Jensen stood up with the supplies, he felt warmth all along his back – Jeff's chest touching his shoulder blades, his cock, brushing Jensen's ass. _God._ Jensen drew in a deep breath to calm himself before he came right there, standing next to the bed.

"Good," Jeff rumbled. Jensen didn't know whether he was referring to the supplies or the breathing or something else but he didn't care anymore. He just climbed onto the bed and turned to look at Jeff.

"On my stomach?"

"Hmmm," Jeff considered. "Are you flexible?"

"Can't suck my own dick or anything, but yeah."

"Good, 'cause I want to see your face when you come." Jeff grinned, hot and dirty. "Get on your back, knees up and spread."

Jensen complied, watching as Jeff climbed onto the bed beside him and squeezed some of the lube onto his fingers. Jensen spread his knees apart and Jeff moved in, tracing one wet finger over Jensen's cock and down past his balls, rubbing for a moment where nobody other than a doctor had ever touched him before then pressing a finger through the tight ring of muscle. It felt strange but not bad, and Jensen let go of the breath he hadn't realized he was holding.

"Jesus, you're tight," Jeff hummed.

"I, uh, I've never – " Jensen stumbled out the admission.

"You think I didn't know that? It's okay." Jeff stroked his finger in and out. "Just relax."

Jensen closed his eyes and just listened to his own breathing, to Jeff's breathing above him, to the slick sounds of Jeff's finger, then two of his fingers, moving in and out of his hole. It stretched, uncomfortable at first, but welcome, and then Jeff hit something inside of him that made him want more. _Need more now._

"Oh God," he gasped. "Please, oh God."

"Okay, okay," Jeff panted, and he sounded as hot and needy as Jensen felt. Jeff's fingers pulled out of him and he opened his eyes to see Jeff rolling on a condom – his cock hard, his face flushed.

Jeff straddled him then, guiding Jensen's legs up to fold over Jeff's back, and he felt his ass tilt up at a better angle. He breathed out to relax his hips into the stretch and then his breath caught in his chest as the blunt head of Jeff's cock pushed inside him.

Too much, too much, but Jeff urged him gently, "Push down, come on baby," and then he was inside. Jeff stopped there, thankfully, while Jensen breathed around the wider invasion. "You okay?"

Jensen nodded, warmed by the concern on Jeff's face, and reached a hand up to grasp Jeff's thick bicep. When the sharp pain faded away, he nudged Jeff's back with his heels. "More, come on."

"Pushy." Jeff smirked but he slid in farther, deeper, until he hit a spot inside that made Jensen gasp, startling sparkles in the darkness behind his eyelids. His erection, softened by the pain of penetration, hardened again until it clung to his stomach, straining for any touch.

Jensen opened his eyes to see Jeff utterly still above him, biting his lip, hanging on the ragged edge of coming. "More, come on. Please."

Jeff breathed out and shifted his weight to balance on one arm, moving his free hand to wrap around Jensen's cock. "You like this?"

Jensen bobbed his head up and down in ragged affirmation as Jeff began thrusting shallowly inside him and jerking him off in counterpoint.

"Come on, baby," Jeff growled. "I wanna watch you come. Feel you come." Jeff moved his slick fist faster and harder, twisting his hand over the head of Jensen's cock until Jensen felt a wave of pressure building in his balls, in his chest, finally spill over, coming so hard he felt like his brains would be blasted apart.

Through it all, he could hear Jeff's voice above him, speaking in a rhythm like chanting. "So. Fucking. Hot. So. Fucking. Hot." Deeper thrusts pounded through his relaxed body until Jeff shouted out, "OH," and pressed his stiffened back against Jensen's heels. Then, with a far quieter, "oh," he slumped down onto Jensen's chest.

They lay there together for a moment, just breathing – Jeff's heavy, sweaty chest a comfortable weight on Jensen's body, Jensen's legs now loosely draped over Jeff's shoulders. After a moment, Jeff pulled back and sat up, smiling gently down at Jensen. He rubbed a hand over Jensen's flat stomach, wiping away the sweat that pooled in his navel then wrapped his other hand around the base of his own cock. "Push down a little."

Jensen pushed, and he felt Jeff's cock – now soft but not much smaller – slide out of him. He winced a little at the movement, but then Jeff was tying off the condom and dropping it on the nightstand.

Later, when Jensen sat up, he discovered he'd shot so hard his come had hit the headboard.

~~~

**Vancouver, 2006**

"So, uh, how long were you together?" Jared's face still looked tight, less angry than he'd been but no happier.

"Together?" Jensen shook his head. "We weren't. Never saw him again until the meet and greet for the Pilot."

"So did you hook up again? Before we got together? Or af – "

"No." Jensen snapped, tone no longer quite so placating. "Jared, stop it. We talked. He said I looked good – "

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"Healthy, I mean. Stop fucking twisting everything I say."

"I'm sorry, this is just so fucked up. Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't lie to you." Jensen stood up and walked a few steps away, and Jared jumped up to follow him.

"Fine. Fine, you didn't lie. Great. How many specific questions do I have to ask you to get the whole truth?"

"Jay – "

"Any other guys ever fuck you? You ever fucked any other guys? You ever sucked any other cocks? Any other guys ever suck your cock?"

"Stop it!" Jensen's voice trembled as he shouted the words. "Stop it. There was Jeff, and then there was five years of pointless, appropriate girlfriends, and then there was you, you asshole." Jensen bit his lip, feeling angry tears burning his eyes. "You're all there is for me now, and if don't believe that – " Jensen shook his head and turned away.

"Man, I want to. I just – I keep seeing him on top of you, and how do I know if – "

"Get out," Jensen said quietly, not turning around to face Jared.

"Jen. What?"

Jared sounded so genuinely confused that the anger Jensen had been keeping tamped down flared up inside him. He spun around, turning a hard look on Jared despite the tears he knew stood in his eyes. "I said get out. If you can't fuckin' believe the truth when I tell it to you, when I've never lied to you – " Jensen gasped in a quick breath and held up a hand to forestall Jared's reply. "I told you shit I never told anyone, and I can't, I can't do this anymore."

"What?" Jared's voice cracked high and desperate, his face pulling into lines of misery. "No, no, Je – "

"Tonight," Jensen added, touching his hand to Jared's for a beat before pulling it back to his side. "I can't do this anymore tonight. We've got to be on set again in like six hours anyway, so just go to your own hotel, okay?"

Jared's jaw tensed like he wanted to argue and his hips and feet shifted like he wasn't sure whether to stay or go. "I don't want to leave things like this."

"Yeah?" Jensen shaped his face into one of Dean Winchester's smirks. "You think this is what I wanted to happen tonight? Tough shit."

"Great. That's just great, man." Jared shook his head then turned around and walked out the door, pulling it roughly shut behind him.

Jensen stood still for a moment, listening to the near silence of the room around him, the hum of the a/c, before walking to the door and turning the deadbolt.

He'd just told Jared to leave.

He stared at the fire exit map on the back of the door until the lines were imprinted in his eyeballs, until he thought he could have run the path blind like a rat through a maze. He thought about sitting down right there, just giving up and leaning against the door – pressing his face into the cool surface.

But he wasn't willing to be quite that pathetic. Not right then.

Half an hour later, Jensen sat folded up on the bathroom floor, alone with his misery. He felt like he might as well be back in LA, back in 2000. But then his heart slowed down, and the fog of hopeless thoughts in his head cleared enough for him to remember that it didn't have to be that way now. He had friends now, friends who didn't care who he was fucking or what show he was working on or any of that shit.

He pushed himself up off the floor and walked over to the table where he'd left his phone, Settling back into the same chair where he'd been sitting when Jared knocked on the door, Jensen scrolled down through his contact list and hit the connect button.

"Hey, Chris," he said, sighing exhaustedly into the phone. "You busy this weekend?"

~~~

Jensen thought it should have been some kind of relief or vindication to see Jared looking just as crappy as he'd looked in the mirror that morning but it just made him feel sick, made him put down his cup as the coffee he'd already drank turned sour in his stomach.

They sat in their chairs in the make-up trailer, silent and still, and Jensen figured that Jared had gotten just about as much sleep as he had – none. They just had to get though this one day and then there was the weekend. They could rest, get their heads together. One way or another.

"Hey, guys!" Shannon called out as she walked into the trailer, sunny and friendly as always.

"Hey," Jensen answered.

Jared murmured, "Mornin'."

"Ummm, everything okay, guys?" Melanie looked worried, and Jensen thought this is why you don't date a co-star – it just hurts everyone around you when things turn to shit.

He just nodded, watching out of the corner of his eye as Jared did the same.

~~~

The whole day sucked shit. They did the job, both of them, but Jensen had forgotten how much it sucked to act with this kind of personal tension in the air. He threw himself into being Dean, focusing on staying in character even between takes. Jared seemed to do the same but then their eyes would meet, and a painful combination of longing, anger and confusion would burn out of Jared's eyes.

Jensen wondered if his own face was betraying him the same way.

Finally, they wrapped up the last shots of the day. When Jensen finished cleaning up and walked out of his trailer, he saw Jared standing in front of his neighboring trailer, carrying the duffle he used as a carry-on for the flights back to LA.

They stood looking at each other across the lot for a moment, and then Jared began to walk closer, long steps eating up the short distance.

"You, uh – " Jared tilted his head over toward his waiting car. "You riding to the airport with me?"

"Nah, I'm staying here." Jensen winced, hearing the exhaustion in his own voice.

"But – what? We've gotta – "

Jensen shook his head just once. "I need some time. You go ahead."

"I love you," Jared whispered, miserable and insistent at the same time.

Jensen couldn't help but to respond. "I love you, too. But you gotta respect that I need some time, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Jared nodded, his shoulders slumping down. "I'll see you next week."

Jensen watched Jared get into his car, watched the car drive off the lot, before getting into the back of his own car to return to the hotel.

~~~

Jared sat in his seat on the plane, wishing he could just close his eyes and go to sleep. He was tired enough but maybe that was the problem – he was too tired and now his brain didn't remember how to just let go.

No. Jared never was any good at lying, not even to himself. If Jensen were sitting next to him, he'd have been asleep already – his shoulder leaning into Jen's, their fingers brushing each other's under the armrest. Then again, if Jensen were here, if he'd spent the last night with Jensen, he wouldn't be so fucking exhausted. He wouldn't have spent the night alternating between lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling and jumping up, stalking around the room as he twitched with anger and jealousy.

Anger at Jensen for not telling him the whole truth months ago. Anger at himself for getting so worked up. Anger at Jensen for being such a dumb asshole years ago. Anger at Jeff for having a piece of Jensen that Jared could never get. Anger at himself because Jeff might have been the one person who kept Jensen from having something taken from him, maybe more than he could give.

Thinking about that hurt so bad, worse than the sting of realizing he wasn't the first man in Jensen's bed. It made him want to reach out and hold onto Jensen but Jensen was back in Vancouver, and Jared was in the air over Oregon or something. He didn't want to call – times like this, the only way Jared really knew how to talk was with his hands, his body. Times like this, words just fucked up everything worse than ever.

Jared shifted, trying to get comfortable, but his shoulder bumped against the stranger next to him and he twitched away.

Without Jensen, nothing felt right.

~~~

At least his babies were happy to see him. As soon as he stepped into the house, Sadie was on her back, exposing her pink stomach, front paws pulled up, begging for tummy rubs. Harley danced around them, nails clicking on the floor, licking wet trails of drool onto Jared's hands and nose. He gave them scratches and pets, smacked them affectionately on their sides until their tongues lolled out in contentment.

But then they started looking around. Harley sniffed at the seam under the door and whined; Sadie ran back and forth between Jared's bag and the door. The message from both of them was clear. _Where's Jensen_?

In the months since the filming of Supernatural started, both dogs had come to love Jensen as much as Jared did. It didn't hurt that he was a sucker, giving in easily to their wordless requests for treats or walks or playtime. And Jared liked that.

He didn't get jealous about other people finding their way into his dogs' affections. Some people, well, Chad – Chad hated it when his dogs liked other people as much as they liked him. But Jared was glad – he knew his dogs had a lot of love to go around and he could never be jealous of that.

He wished he could be so open-minded about the people he loved. He wished he could be a better person. Wished it didn't feel like a deep stab wound of betrayal to know that Jensen hadn't revealed his past with Jeff. But it did.

Last night, Jared just had to mention to Chad how excited he was that they were getting ready to shoot the last few episodes of the season, how much it rocked that Jeffrey Dean Morgan was going to be working with them for a few weeks. Chad had looked at him like he was crazy. "What, isn't it awkward, considering he used to fuck your boy Jensen?"

Jared had felt the knife go in right then. Chad told him about the party, how he'd seen Jensen all over Jeff, practically mounting him in public. How they'd walked out together, bodies entwined like lovers.

So, of course, Jared had stormed over to Jensen's room, feeling like he was bleeding to death. But he'd bled all over Jensen and, even when he realized that Jensen didn't deserve it, he couldn't stop the flow; couldn't bandage up his wounded pride fast enough to keep from hurting Jensen more.

Jensen had been so pale when Jared left, his eyes so pained, that Jared wished again that they could be in the same place so that Jared could wrap his lover in his arms, so he could make everything better. He had to be able to make everything better.

"Sorry, guys," Jared apologized to his dogs. "He's not coming this time." He knelt, wrapping an arm around Harley's broad back and leaning against his weight. "Next weekend. I hope."

~~~

The first order of business was sleep. No matter how badly he'd messed things up with Jensen, Jared was too tired to deal with it anymore. He was home with his own firm bed and his own sheets – his dogs nuzzling in against his sides, their soft snores drawing him down into sleep.

In the morning, his head clear, he knew he needed to talk to Jeff. He'd be in LA. Had to be, didn't he? _Grey's_ was still shooting and he was getting ready to fly up to work with them in Vancouver. Jared just had to wait for a decent hour. He could do that.

He brewed and drank a pot of coffee. He showered and took the dogs for a walk that turned into a run and then showered again. At 9:45, he checked his phone to make sure Jeff's number was in there, that he hadn't for some reason deleted it since they'd exchanged numbers months ago. At 10:05, he scrolled down through his contacts.

He lingered for a moment on 'Jeff' the listing for his brother and wondered for a moment if his brother would have any good advice, if Jared could bring himself to ask for it. He skipped down two lines to 'Jensen.' He wanted to call, so very much. He wanted to make sure Jensen was okay – that they would be okay – but he couldn't stand the possibility of hearing that weary, wary coldness in Jensen's voice again.

Jared scrolled back up one line to 'Jeff Morgan.' Mentally crossing his fingers that the man in question was awake and hadn't taken off skiing or something for the weekend, Jared pressed the button to dial.

"Hello?"

"Hey, this is Jared. Um, Padalecki?"

"Hey, man!" Jared could hear the wide, friendly grin in Jeff's voice. "What's up?"

"Aw, not much. But, well – " _Come on JT, be a man._ "I'm in town for the weekend and I was wondering if we could meet up. Just, you know, if you're not too busy."

Jared cringed at his awkwardness. Jeff probably thought Jared was trying to pick him up or something, _Jesus._

"Yeah, sure. You want to come over here?"

"That, yeah. That would work."

"You got a time in mind or you want to just come on over now? I've got a metric shit ton of script pages to learn but I can only work on it for so long before my head tries to blow up."

"Man, I know. But now, thanks, that would be great."

Jeff gave him his address and directions and, as soon as he could get his babies settled, Jared was on the road.

~~~

Jeff answered the door in a pair of jeans that looked almost as old as Jared and a white t-shirt that was liberally splattered with paint. "Hey, come on in."

As soon as Jared stepped through the door, he was greeted by a brown dog, a little smaller than his babies, who set passionately to sniffing at Jared's shoes and pants.

"That's my best girl, Bisou," Jeff explained. "Come on, sweetheart, leave the boy be."

"Nah, it's okay." Jared crouched down closer to the dog's level, letting her sniff his hands and face. "She's just smelling my puppies. Aren't you girl? Yeah, you're pretty." He scratched her ears and she panted happily, leaning against Jeff's leg.

"Oh boy, watch out. She'll adopt you and you'll never get out of here."

"Yeah?" Jared stood up to see Jeff smiling at him but also looking curious. "I guess that would be a little awkward."

"Yeah, just a little." Jeff laughed quietly and walked around Jared to close the door. "Come on into the kitchen. You want something to drink? Coffee?"

"Nah. Well, water would be good."

"No problem." Jeff pulled a bottle out of the fridge and tossed it to Jared.

The bottle felt good in his hands and he turned it around, picking at the label without even opening the top.

Jeff sat down across the table from Jared and sat quietly for a moment until Jared realized he was acting like an idiot and put down the abused bottle. "So, I get the feeling you want to talk to me about something. What's up?"

"I, uh – " Jared reached up and ran a hand through his hair, wishing he'd taken the time to figure out what he was going to say to Jeff. "I've gotta thank you and, I think, apologize."

"I can't think of a reason for either. Care to clue me in?"

"Jensen, ah, told me about y'all. Your history."

"Oh, yeah, okay." Jeff smiled a little – at the memory, Jared assumed – but he still looked confused about Jared's meaning.

"We're together, Jen and me." Not that they'd discussed telling friends and maybe this was a huge betrayal, too, but Jared really believed they could trust Jeff.

Jeff smiled widely and reached over to smack Jared on the shoulder. "Hey, that's great! Good for you."

Jared looked down at his hands. "At least, I think we still are."

"Oh." Jeff sounded genuinely dismayed, making Jared feel like even more of a tool than he already did. "I take it this has something to do with me?"

"Not really, you know? Just, I wasn't thinkin' straight and kind of went off the deep end, said some really crappy things about you. So, that's why I feel like I need to apologize."

"Okay, well." Jared looked up to see Jeff nodding, a mildly perplexed look still on his face. "I wasn't there to hear you, so it didn't hurt me any, but I accept your apology."

Jared flinched at Jeff's words. They reminded him that Jensen had been there, had heard what he'd said, had been hurt. He recalled, in a flash, Jensen's face when he all but called him a whore. Crap, Jensen was the last person he'd ever wanted to hurt.

"And I wanted to thank you because it sounds like he was in a bad place and I'm really glad you were there, man. Not everybody would have been so, you know, kind."

Jeff shook his head. "You don't need to thank me. Jensen thanked me by taking care of himself. We're square."

"It doesn't feel square. I – it feels like everything's fucked up." Jared propped his elbows up on the table and bent his head forward to rest in his hands. "I love Jen and I understand that him sleeping with you back then had nothing to do with me, but I still feel crazy inside."

"What do you mean?" Jeff's voice sounded low and calm, and Jared knew he didn't deserve this kindness.

"It's like, I know I shouldn't feel jealous; I know it's wrong. And I know you're a nice guy, seriously, but I feel like it should have been me – the first guy for Jensen. I thought it was me, all this time, and now I feel like a jackass. And I have to work with you, and I have to work with Jensen, and I fucking love Jensen, but it hurts."

Talking about it – thinking about it – just made it hurt worse. The jealously felt like an animal living on top of his diaphragm, taking bites out of his lungs and his stomach. Jared groped for his water bottle, twisting the top off with trembling hands, and swallowed; pressing one hand against the flashes of pain inside him.

Jeff's hand wrapped around his forearm and the grip was warm, steadying. "Hey, you okay?"

Jared just nodded until he felt like he could trust his voice but when he spoke he surprised himself by choking out, "No. No everything's wrong."

"Whoa, okay." Jeff stood up and, maintaining his hold on Jared's arm, started to tug Jared up out of his chair. "Come on."

Jared let himself be manhandled, let Jeff pull him away from the table even when he wanted to curl forward around the misery and the shame and the pain in his chest. "Where?"

"Outside." Jeff led him through the door in the kitchen, out onto a big patio, where wooden furniture covered with bright cloth cushions surrounded a grill larger than the stove in Jared's house.

"Here, sit." Jeff deposited him on the long wooden couch. "Breathe."

Jared closed his eyes against the bright sunshine and concentrated on breathing against the pain inside him. He listened as Jeff opened the door again and whistled, high and sharp. "Come on out, that's a good girl." Bisou's steps clattered across the patio, accompanied by the jingle of her collar and tags. He heard the scrape of wood across stone and opened his eyes to see Jeff settling into a chair in front of him.

"You feel any better?"

"Uh, yeah." The jealous animal in his chest had settled down, no longer actively chewing on him, but waiting. "Why did you bring me out here?"

"'Cause, frankly, you need to get your head out of your ass. You're a country boy, right?"

"Yeah, well, sorta."

"Me, too." Jeff smiled. "I used to spend all summer, my whole childhood, out at my grandparents' farm in Eastern Washington. I think that, for us sorta country boys, it's easier to think straight outside. You know?"

"Yeah, you're probably right." Jared tilted his head back and looked at the red of the sun filtered through his eyelids, smelled sage, redolent in the breeze. "I don't know how to get my head straight," he said to the darkness. "Things aren't supposed to be like this."

"I don't know. I think things usually turn out just the way they're supposed to be."

"That's bullshit."

"Maybe. I guess I've gotten kind of philosophical in my old age." Jeff snorted to himself. "Like, I look at my dog."

"Your dog?"

"I went out walking by the beach one day. Just bored, you know – no work, no cash to do anything that cost money, and I found this pathetic little puppy in a box. She was small enough to fit in my hand, too young to be weaned. If I hadn't found her, she wouldn't have survived the night."

"Man, that's not right." Jared looked out into the yard where Bisou lounged in the sun, chewing on a stick.

"So, you know, I fed her formula and she slept on heated blankets at the foot of my bed. And now she's my best girl. If you're just a little bit lucky, if you're paying attention, I think things work out most of the time."

"But what if you're not lucky?"

"I think you're one of the luckiest people I know," Jeff laughed.

"What do you mean? I'm not – "

"You came out here, a fresh green kid. Got cast in a pilot for a show that got picked up, gave you regular work for years until you got _Supernatural._ Do you know how many people would kill for that luck?"

"You don't know." Jared shook his head.

"No, look. I'm sure there's some bad stuff twisting you up inside. And I'm not saying I wasn't lucky, too."

Jared grabbed onto the new subject, desperate to stop thinking about himself for a few minutes, "How'd you end up acting anyway?"

"I was in college, focused on athletics, and I got hurt."

"Oh, I – "

"Not bad, but enough. That phase was over, you know? Time to move on. I was just drifting, wasting time, and a friend asked me to help him move to LA. I said okay because what the fuck else did I have to do? Then this dude asked me to do some acting, and I was like, 'Oh, so this is what I'm supposed to be doing.'"

"That's cool," Jared nodded.

"Well, the directors and casting agents out there didn't necessarily agree with me. Until this year, work was pretty damn rare mostly. So, yeah, I think you're lucky. I think we're both lucky."

"I know I sound like a whiny little asshole. I'm sorry."

Jeff waved his hand, blowing off the apology. "Let me ask you something. Why do you even give a shit who Jensen slept with before he met you?"

"I guess – I just – I thought if I was the only one he wouldn't want anyone else." Jared winced in embarrassment at how old-fashioned he knew he sounded.

"Damn." Jeff whistled appreciatively. "Somebody screwed you over good."

Jared looked down at his hands. "That obvious?"

"Takes one to know one, all that. So give."

"Well, I was dating a girl for a few years, Sandy."

"Cute little brunette?"

"Yeah, that's her. It was pretty serious, at least I thought it was. I was thinking about asking her to move in, starting to look at rings, stuff like that. But I guess she couldn't deal with the part-time long distance relationship as well as she said she could."

~~~

**January**

The winter hiatus already felt like months ago, even though they'd only been back to filming for a couple of weeks. They'd had fun, though, he and Sandy – as much fun as Jared could cram into their time together. Skiing and shopping, dancing at all the best clubs. And fucking. Lots of fucking.

Jared knew that Sandy suffered with him up in Vancouver five and a half days a week. He knew that she looked forward to spending the weekends with him but he couldn't help being tired. He'd never had this kind of workload before, not even close. _Gilmore Girls_ had been easy work, shooting out at the lot for a few days every couple of weeks more or less. The movies had been more intense but they were like summer camp – working like crazy for a couple of weeks and then back to kicking it with Playstation, going to the gym, the beach.

He'd been so excited when he found out the _Supernatural_ pilot was picked up and Sandy had celebrated with him. He'd never done anything as exciting and rewarding as making _Supernatural_ but he'd never been more frequently exhausted, either.

Jared tried to make it up to Sandy as best he could – buying her things, working his new contacts to hook her up with work. And he gave her every bit of himself that he could. Over the hiatus, he brought her off every morning in the shower with his tongue, holding her up with his hands wrapped around her hips, her ass.

And if she seemed distracted, well, there was a lot going on. And if it meant that she didn't notice he was distracted in his own way, so much the better. Two weeks into the back half of the season and he missed seeing her, missed the hours touching her, feeling her skin against his.

He knew she wanted more sometimes but they were in for the long haul. One day, _Supernatural_ would be over and then Jared would be set up to get real feature roles or a major network show filming out of LA. They'd get married and he'd take care of her forever. That's what he wanted.

Not with all his heart, maybe, but enough to make it real.

She hinted around sometimes about moving into his house but he didn't see how it could ever work when he was out of town so much. He'd bought the house for the dogs in the first place. Without his babies, he'd be happy to live in a condo like Jensen where he wouldn't have to worry about the lawn and the roof and every other damn thing. But the dogs were both rescues; both of them had been through enough confinement and uprooting. They deserved a house and a yard and the best care. Sandy liked the dogs well enough but she'd never have been able to take care of them right, not between auditions and dance classes and hanging out with her friends being seen at the right parties, her natural habitat.

So he brought his buddy Josh up from home to stay in the house and take care of Sadie and Harley and was Sandy supposed to live with Josh? No. She was happier living with her roommates, anyway. She'd have been miserable alone in the house all week. Jared believed that with his heart, and he knew that if they could just get through the next few years they could be together forever just like his folks.

So, when he convinced Kim to rearrange the shooting schedule on Friday so that he could wrap up his scenes first thing in the morning and then get on a plane that would get him to LA by noon, he thought it was a great plan. He'd surprise Sandy, take her out for dinner somewhere she could wear that hot new dress with the crazy-sexy strappy heels. He knocked on the door to the three-bedroom apartment she shared with two other girls and he felt the smile freeze on his face when he saw the poorly-disguised panic in Jenni's eyes.

She stood in the doorway, as though she was going to block Jared's entrance with her tiny dancer's body. "Hey, Jared! What're you doing here?"

"Just came to see my girl," he said, keeping his voice light even though the whole place felt wrong – felt screwed up. If he were really Sam Winchester, he'd have been reaching for weapons, for salt, but Jared was pretty sure it wasn't that kind of wrong he felt.

"Sorry, Sandy's not here," Jenni said, her voice fake like the cheerleaders back in high school.

"Really? Is she down at Starbucks?" Jared asked, forcing himself to stay pleasant. "I know I saw her car down in the lot."

"Well, yeah, I mean, what I meant is she's here but she's not feeling well."

Jared shook his head, his patience running out. This was one girl who was never going to transition into acting, not if talent had anything to do with it. "Then I guess I better check on her," Jared replied, no longer smiling. Despite Jenni's nervous protests that he shouldn't, Jared stepped into the apartment he'd hung out in so many times. He walked down the short hallway to Sandy's bedroom and opened the door.

It shouldn't have been a shock, not at that point, but seeing her wrapped up in some dude's arms and legs, her breasts pressing against his chest, could have never been anything but a shock.

"Shit," he whispered. His chest clenched up tight and tears popped into his eyes. He hadn't thought he'd ever have to hurt this bad again. Watching her roll over on the bed as she started to wake up, watching the sleepy smile on her face transform into horror, he knew it was worse.

"Baby! Oh, God!" She jumped up, wrapping a blanket around her body, and stepped closer to Jared. "I'm so sorry!"

"Me, too," he rasped out, the words hurting his throat, his stomach.

"Baby, I – "

He didn't want to hear what she had to say. It was over and Jared just needed to get away – outoutoutout – before he did something he'd regret, like putting his fist through the wall or crying or saying things to her that he'd been raised to never say to a woman.

So he turned and left, his legs taking him away from Sandy's tragic face, past Jenni's stupid gaping face, out the door, down the stairs, into his car and awayawayaway.

~~~

When Jared looked up to see Jeff's reaction, Jeff was looking down and nodding his head.

"That sucks, dude. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, I really thought – I thought I could trust her."

Jeff nodded but didn't reply, staring out into space for a minute. Finally, he turned back to Jared. "How did you find out about Jensen and me? I take it Jensen didn't tell you?"

"Yeah, right," Jared snorted. "No, it was my friend Chad. You know, Michael Murray?"

"Yeah, I met him once out drinking with you two. Charming kid."

"Right, yeah. I know he's kind of an asshole to people but he saw me after Sandy, and he knows – He knows me, knows the whole stupid history of who I've loved and that I'm never enough."

"Jared – " Jeff's voice sounded gentle and Jared swallowed back the emotion that was trying to choke him.

Blinking against the burning in his eyes, Jared continued, "So, he knows me and Jen are together, and when I told him you were coming up to shoot next week he told me about what he saw at that party. And I just kinda lost it, you know?"

"Yeah, I'm getting that impression." Jeff quirked his mouth up into a smirk but kindness showed in his hooded eyes. "But you've got to know, I'm not interested in going after Jensen. And I doubt he's interested in me. I mean, I didn't know you two were together like this, but even just as friends I could tell he's crazy for you."

"I – this is going to sound stupid but why aren't you interested? I mean, you were with him, you know he's fucking gorgeous and just, a good guy. It doesn't make any sense." Jared twisted his hands together, trying to imagine how anyone could ever give up the pleasure of Jensen's body in the nighttime and his smile in the day and just his mind and his heart. "I don't understand."

"Man, you do have it bad," Jeff laughed. "Look, it was nice. It was great; I'm not gonna lie, it was a treat for me. And I think, I hope that I was what Jensen needed right then, but that's all it was ever going to be."

"But why?"

"I get the feeling Jensen needs somebody who'll be with him, committed, but frankly I enjoy women too much to give them up full-time." Jeff's grin turned dirty and Jared couldn't help returning the smile.

"Gotcha. Okay. I mean, I'm not complaining, you know?"

"I know." Jeff leaned forward, focusing his gaze on Jared. "Look, you feeling any better about this stuff?"

Jared still didn't know what was going to happen, how he and Jensen were going to work things out, but he felt like he could breathe better than he had in a couple of days. "Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm starting to think I'm kind of fucked up here, but yeah."   
"Everyone's fucked up. You just gotta learn how to deal with your own particular brand of crazy, if that makes any sense."

"Yeah, it does. Look, thank you so much, man. For everything." Jared stood up, feeling like he was towering over Jeff until Jeff stood as well – just shy of Jared's height.

"You're welcome. Seriously, both of you guys are always welcome around here."

Jared rubbed his palms on his jeans to get rid of the clammy, nervous sweat that had gathered there and only started to dry and then stretched his hand out toward Jeff. "I don't know how to thank you, man."

Jeff took Jared's hand but quickly turned the shake into a hug, tugging Jared in closer. "No need. Just try and chill out, okay?"

"Yeah." Jared nodded against Jeff's shoulder before pulling away. "I need to go talk to Jen."

"Sounds like a good plan. Just take it easy on him, okay?"

"I will. I didn't mean – "

"I know." Jeff smiled at Jared and patted him on the back as they walked back inside the house. "Take it easy on yourself, too."

~~~

The flight back to Vancouver felt as uncomfortable as the one to LA the day before. Jared tried to sleep but neither his mind nor his body were willing to rest. His mind raced back and forth between wanting the flight to be over already, to arrive in Vancouver as soon as possible so that he could find Jensen and beg for another chance – and hoping desperately for any delay. A four-hour wait on the tarmac, an unscheduled layover, fuck, he would take anything that would delay the moment he feared, the moment when Jensen would turn away from him again, this time for good.

This struggle in his brain played itself out on his body with its desire to twitch – changing position, crossing and uncrossing his legs – but it didn't play well with his long body in the confined space of his airline seat. What he wouldn't give, sometimes, to be so filthy rich that he could afford his own private plane with, like, couches and video game players and an aisle all his own to pace up and down when he just couldn't stay seated for one more second without having an aneurism or something.

The jolt of the plane touching down in Vancouver finally startled Jared out of his manic contemplation. He snagged his carry-on from the overhead rack and shuffled down the aisle with his fellow passengers, his heart beating heavy and fast in his ears.

A short cab ride to Jensen's hotel brought him terribly near to whatever kind of confrontation or reckoning awaited him. He closed his eyes on the elevator, feeling his stomach twist and flip, and then the door opened with a ding, and he was only twenty steps away from Jensen's door.

Ten steps later, he paused – seriously considering turning around, going downstairs and finding another cab to take him back to his own hotel three blocks away. But he continued, and when he knocked on Jensen's door he thought he might just pass out or start screaming like a crazy person if Jensen had gone out.

Jared's heart stuttered at the snick of the deadbolt unlocking then fell when the door opened to reveal Christian Kane's scowling face.

"What a surprise." Chris shook his head then grabbed Jared by the front of his shirt and pulled him inside, quickly shoving him into the suite's bathroom.

"You know, you've got some fucking nerve, Padalecki." Kane's jaw strained as he looked up at Jared and Jared felt his own jaw tense in response, his shoulders squaring for a fight.

As he'd stumbled backwards through the short hallway, stunned by Chris's presence and aggression, Jared had caught a quick glance of Jensen curled up on the suite's couch. Asleep or awake, Jared hadn't seen enough to tell. And was he just tired or was he – had they –

_Fuck. Fuck!_ Jared felt his jealousy swell, and he wanted to tear Kane apart, wanted to shove past him out into the room and shout until someone explained what was going on.

Biting the inside of his mouth until the pain started to clear his mind, Jared took in a deep breath through his nose, feeding oxygen to his raging brain.

Jensen had always said that there was nothing between him and Chris, that they were just old friends, and it would be like fucking his brother – especially considering Chris was flat out straight. Jared was there to do better than before, not to tear everything apart again even if he felt himself pulling apart inside.

"What – ," Jared rasped out through his burning throat. "What are you doing here?"

"Me? What the fuck are you doing showing your face here?"

"I need to talk to Jensen. What do you think?"

Chris took a half-step forward, forcing Jared back far enough that the towel-bar pressed against his hips. "He don't need to see you right now."

Jared forced himself into Kane's space and then past him so that he could stand in the relatively open area in the middle of the bathroom. "Who the hell are you to decide what Jensen needs?"

"I'm the one that flew up here at the asscrack of dawn to find him more screwed up than I've seen in years. And that's all on you, dude, so we've got a problem."

Jensen had called Chris to come up to Vancouver? _Shit._ Jared's shoulders slumped, relaxing from aggression to dejection. "He was – " Jared stopped, sighed. "Is he okay?"

"No thanks to you." No mercy. Jesus, Jared had thought they were something like friends.

He sat down on the closed toilet seat and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Give me a break, man, please. I know I screwed up."

"No shit."

Jared looked up from his contemplation of the floor tile to beg Chris with his eyes. "I'm an idiot but I'd take it back if I could. You gotta believe me."

"I really don't gotta, kid." Chris walked around in a small circle, turning away from Jared and then back toward him. "If I leave, are you going to fix things or fuck him up worse?"

"I'm going to try to fix things, as long as he gives me a chance."

"Oh, he'll give you a chance." Chris smirked. "He's stupid like that."

"Lucky me." Jared tried to smile, but it felt strange and wrong on his face.

"Yeah. Look, I'm going to go find a hotel that's not so fucking expensive as this one. When Jen wakes up, you tell him I'm still in town."

"Okay." Jared stood up as Chris reached for the bathroom door knob. "Thanks, man."

"Aw, fuck off," Christian replied with surprisingly little heat.

Jared followed him out of the bathroom, watching as he grabbed his bag from next to the sofa where Jensen slept. He didn't turn around to watch Chris leave, instead he just stared at Jensen's sleeping face. When he heard the suite's door quietly close, Jared sat down in the chair across from the sofa – Jensen's favorite chair – and continued to watch from there.

~~~

Jensen woke up to the sensation of his legs complaining at their cramped quarters. The couch. _Right._ He never had quite made it back in to the bedroom. His inability to fall asleep on the bed, unable to get comfortable without Jared's weight on the other side of the bed, was not his proudest moment. Christian had finally told him to lay the fuck down but the best he could do was the couch.

Jensen kept his eyes closed, extending the respite from having to stand up and deal with his screwed up personal life. He could hear fabric shifting against fabric nearby. He wasn't sure what he'd done to deserve a friend like Chris, who would catch a quick flight up the coast and then hang around in the room all night while he slept.

"Playing possum?"

The words, softly spoken as they were, sent Jensen's heart racing. His eyes snapped open and the first thing he saw were sandal-clad feet on the floor in front of him. Jared's voice. Jared's huge ass feet.

Jared.

Jensen closed his eyes – just one more moment of silence before he had to deal with this. Tears burned in his eyes from the combination of relief, love and dread that flooded through him. Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and sat up.

"I hope you don't have Chris stuffed in the trunk of your car." Jensen winced at the roughness of his voice and the forced humor that sounded far more transparent than he'd intended.

"Nah, I restrained myself." Jared's smile trembled into a frown and then disappeared. "I'm so sorry." The look on his face reminded Jensen more of Sam than anything he'd seen on his lover's face outside of filming.

"You look like shit."

"Believe me, between what I've said to myself and what Kane said to me, I feel like shit. I'll – " Jared stopped and swallowed visibly. "I'll go back to my place if you want me to go; I just had to let you know that I'm sorry, that I know I fucked up."

"I fucked up, too. I should have let you know a long time ago. It's got nothing to do with us but he's our co-star, and – it wasn't fair. I'm sorry."

Jared leaned forward, moving closer, and Jensen wanted to reach out – to touch his disheveled hair – but he wasn't sure they were okay for that yet. "I went to see him."

"Huh?" Jensen asked.

"Jeff. I went and saw him yesterday."

The panic Jensen felt must have shown on his face because Jared hurried to continue. "'Cause I felt bad about the things I said about him, about you. And I – I guess I just needed to talk to somebody with, like, a good head on his shoulders, you know?"

"You mean somebody who's not Chad?" The second the words exited Jensen's mouth, he remembered what he'd said about Chad the other night and how Jared had replied. Like Jensen was trash. He looked up, fearing to see the same righteous anger, but saw a gentle smirk on Jared's face.

"Yeah, Chad's not exactly the best dude for relationship advice."

Jensen flexed his bare toes in the carpet then slid his foot forward until it touched Jared's sandal. He stretched his toes up to brush alongside Jared's long big toe.

Jared sighed at the contact, his breath ragged. "I understand if you don't want to be, you know, us anymore."

"Do you still want it? Knowing I'm not, not what you thought I was?" Jensen stomach twisted at the thought of Jared thinking of him as dirty, as used.

"Jesus, Jen. I wasn't thinking straight when I said all that shit. I'm sorry, I – "

"Then why? Why did it make you so fucking crazy that I was with Jeff like five years ago, before I had any clue that you even existed?" Jensen shook his head, hating himself for the unsteadiness he heard in his own voice. "I don't get it."

"It just kinda hit me. I didn't realize – this is gonna sound fucked up, okay, but I felt like you were, uh – " Jared stopped, fidgeted his foot away from Jensen's touch. "Mine."

Jensen opened his mouth but couldn't figure out how he ought to reply to that.

"I mean, I know that's not cool. I just – I never. I thought I had that with Sandy and then I didn't, you know?"

"Yeah. Yeah, that sucked. But, Jay, this was years – "

"I know. I know. Um, I told you I screwed around with a guy in high school?"

"That's why I was thinking it wouldn't matter that I'd been with Jeff."

"His name was Brent, and I um. I loved him. He had a girlfriend, went with her to all the dances and stuff but I thought she was just like a beard, you know? I thought he loved me and that she didn't mean anything. He had me." Jared gestured at his chest. "He had me all the way and I thought I had him, too."

"What happened?" Jensen hated the old pain he saw in Jared's expressive eyes.

"He gave her a ring. I was going to ask him to come to LA with me and he asked her to marry him. Told me he loved her. Turns out, I didn't have anything. I was the one who didn't mean anything. I was just, fuck, second place."

"I'm so sorry."

"So, I guess I – whenever I would start to worry that you, you didn't love me as much as I love you – "

"Jay, no." Jensen wanted to stop Jared from thinking that again ever.

"I would tell myself that I was first, that I had you as – " Jared stood up and immediately knelt down in front of Jensen. "As deep as you have me."

Jensen reached out and cupped his hand around the back of Jared's neck. He could feel tension in the muscles and tendons there and he rubbed his thumb against the warm skin. Jared sighed, his eyes sad but hopeful, and Jensen leaned forward to rest his forehead against Jared's before tilting his head down to gently kiss Jared's mouth until he had to pull away to breathe.

"You have me," Jensen said simply. With his gaze on Jared, Jensen stood up. He crossed his arms and pulled off his t-shirt then undid his fly and shucked off his jeans and boxers, pulling off his shoes and socks when he bent down to step out of his pants. When he finally stood naked in front of Jared, he repeated, "You have me."

"God, Jen," Jared breathed out, his eyes suddenly softer, warmer.

Jensen turned and walked the few steps to the bedroom. Jared followed, pulling off his own shirts, all three of them over his head at once, and threw the bundle of cloth on the floor. He unzipped his pants and pushed them down, stumbling in his hurry to get undressed and walk at the same time – his cock already hard from the sight of Jensen so casually exposed in front of him.

Jensen waited by the bed. When Jared got close, tripping over his half-removed pants, Jensen grabbed his arm and pushed him onto the bed, stripping his pants and shoes the rest of the way off before grabbing a tube of lube from the bedside table. Jared scrambled on his back to get all the way on the bed, and Jensen crawled up over him straddling Jared's hips.

Jensen squeezed some of the cool gel into his hand and then wrapped his fingers around Jared's cock. Jared closed his eyes and Jensen continued stroking for a moment; watching Jared's eyelids tremble, watching the firmly defined muscles in his stomach twitch. Then he let go and crawled closer to Jared's chest before kneeling up and reaching back to hold Jared's cock again, guiding it as he lowered himself down.

Jared gasped, his eyes flying open wide as the tight ring of Jensen's ass took him in. Jensen panted out stuttering breaths until they were fully connected, his ass resting against Jared's bent thighs. "You have me," he repeated, staring down at Jared.

In response, Jared reached out and wrapped a hand around Jensen's cock, his large warm fingers engulfing Jensen's length. "And you have me."

Jensen flexed his knees and rose up before relaxing back down. "Fuck, yeah," Jared groaned, pumping his fist in time with the rhythm of Jensen's thrusts.

Between the pulsing pressure of Jared's grip on his cock and the angle of his own thrusts hitting him just right, Jensen was right on the edge before he even knew he was close – pulling in ragged breaths, sweat hot on his face. Jared's calloused thumb flicked over the head of his cock and it was too much. He came – back arching over Jared's legs, breath caught in his chest, hands grasping on air until he relaxed. He slumped forward, curling toward Jared's chest.

Then he felt the world flipping, the bed at his back now with Jared on top of him, still connected. Jared found the rhythm again, pounding in-in-in-in, and all Jensen had the strength to do was hold on, hold tight as Jared came.

They lay there, lax muscles and warm skin stretched out together, until the clammy wetness of Jensen's come grew uncomfortable between them. Jensen sighed at the loss of connection when Jared pulled away just long enough to grab some tissues from next to the bed. Basic clean-up accomplished, Jensen relaxed into the bed with Jared's weight draped over him.

"I still don't get it," Jared mumbled, his voice muffled by Jensen's shoulder.

"Don't get what?"

"How come you and Jeff didn't hook up some more or why there was no one else if it was good like you said." He shook his head slightly, rubbing his nose against the top of Jensen's armpit. "Doesn't make sense."

"Jeff, I don't think he does boyfriends, you know? And me?" Jensen sighed. "A lot of things changed for me after that."

Jared rolled over far enough that he could prop his head up on one arm while still keeping his other hand warm on Jensen's chest. "What do you mean?"

~~~

**L.A., 2001**

After a brief rest and a cup of coffee, Jeff left – pleading the need to take care of his dog. He'd kissed Jensen gently and put a hand on his cheek. "Take care of yourself, kid," he said. "Be safe." And then he was gone.

Jensen sat down at the tiny table in his kitchen and felt like he'd been split wide open. He got what he asked for – what he had wanted for so long that the wanting felt like a part of him, and it hurt – and it felt so good. But alone again, all he could do was wrap his arms around himself and wonder – what now? _Who am I supposed to be now?_

He wandered into his living room and sat down on the couch, thought about waking up that morning on Jeff's couch with no idea where he was and no idea what he'd done. He shook, sitting in his warm apartment, thinking of the places that he might have woken up, the stories he'd heard. Stories on the news. Thinking of his family and how he was never supposed to end up like this.

He knew the drugs were stupid but he'd never meant to let it go so far. It was supposed to be just enough – enough to soften the edges between himself and the crowd of strangers around him, enough to make him feel bold and happy. If he felt empty and alone the next day, well, it was just temporary. Not like he did enough that it would hurt anybody, enough to really lose control.

Except that he had, last night, and he'd been so lucky, but he knew he didn't deserve it. But he would. Jensen made himself take deeper breaths, calming down. He'd been saved and he would deserve it. He jumped up and walked over to his desk, pulled open the drawer where he kept the letters he got from his family. Dug through the rumpled papers and envelopes until he found the one his mother had sent him when he moved into this apartment.

_Pastor Ferguson said this church isn't half a mile from you. Don't forget where you come from, sweetie._

He hadn't forgotten, exactly, but he'd lost track. He took the letter with him back to the couch and fell asleep praying like he used to do when he was little. The next morning, Sunday morning, Jensen put on a nice shirt and went to the church. There was a crowd but it was okay. He sat in the back and nobody wanted anything from him. The wide-open part of him felt bandaged, and as he walked home he felt calmer than he had since that moment, just after orgasm, when there'd been no sensation other than the clutch of strong arms around him.

The next morning, when he got the call telling him that Fox wanted him for the next season of _Dark Angel_ – a whole season, a regular role – Jensen felt like it was a sign, a gift. He pushed away the memory of the sharp, hot pleasure he'd felt in the arms of a man and locked it down with the cold terror of losing himself the night of that last party. He focused instead on remembering who he'd been raised to be. If he felt sometimes like a part of himself that had opened up was shut down again, he only had to remember that it was safer that way.

~~~

**Vancouver, 2006**

"So, what changed your mind?" Jared's hand still rested on Jensen's chest, his thumb rubbing a slow arc of comfort back and forth across the pale skin.

"You." Jensen smiled and reached a hand up to cup the back of Jared's head, pulling him down for a kiss. "I met you, and it's like –" He ran his fingers through the soft hair beneath his hand. "You just got inside me and curled up like one of those dogs that just don't understand they're too big to sit on your lap."

Jared snorted lightly. "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Jensen lifted his head up to take another kiss and then whispered in Jared's ear, "It's everything."

~~~

The End.

Continue on to the [author's notes](http://embroiderama.livejournal.com/100257.html), if you like.


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